sharpes_hussy

The procedure. . . . . .

2009-11-07T02:56:47Z

I called my friend Andy Sable MD, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner..

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had w as chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep..

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3.. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all.

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Fort Hood

2009-11-05T22:56:05Z

By now you have no doubt read/heard about the shootings at Fort Hood. For those of you who are not familiar with
Ft. Hood, it is the Army's headquarters for heavy armor.................
They are now reporting that the shooters as well as the victims are all soldiers.
**sighs**
I am frankly NOT surprised this has happened. The suicide rate and the PTSD rate is significant now.
In addition to that the Army has been using what is called STOP LOSS
A stop loss is when your time is up and you want to discharge and the military denies the request
and instead ships you off to wherever they decide you are needed.
I am somewhat knowledgeable due to what happened in my own
family.
When my father put in his papers at 25
the Navy denied him retirement and instead gave him two options:
1) they could cut accompanied or
2) unaccompanied
These were his only options. Mom had put money down on a house here in Oregon and he had even
been offered a job.
The Navy determined he was needed so were uninterested claiming that his
specialty was in high demand.
There have been over 81, 000 stop losses connected to Iraq and Afghanistan
I cannot but believe that that is part of the stress in addition to the daily grind that has created this scenario
at Ft. Hood AND am not surprised that the shooting took place in the readiness center........ie those getting
ready to deploy or have just returned.......
I witnessed significant morale problems from those who had come out of sea duty into equally grueling
conditions on shore.
That is the same thing the troops at Hood are in right now.........
I just wish Washington had a clue, but they just commit and don't seem to consider what it is doing to
the bodies and minds of those who serve.

***Steps down off soapbox***

Regarding my Sheppard smile pix................

2009-11-05T22:05:42Z

Although part of his face is shaded, if you look closely you can see the eyes....................

Sheppard smile

2009-11-05T15:52:58Z

Sheppard

2009-11-04T17:28:06Z

Just needed to share...............

2009-11-03T21:53:20Z

I have been missing SGA A LOT recently and decided to just
move him on top of my desktop..........so out goes the plane captain on the deck of a carrier, and into the slot moves
this action shot of Sheppard

THE MUSIC STOPPED

2009-11-01T04:57:26Z

My friend, a retired Master SGT, USMC, sent this to me..........You will note that I did not say former marine, there is simply no such thing:

THE MUSIC STOPPED

For those who are unaware: At all military base theaters, the National Anthem is played before the movie begins.

This is written from a Chaplain in Iraq :

I recently attended a showing of 'Superman 3' here at LSA Anaconda. We have a large auditorium we use for movies, as well as memorial services and other large gatherings. As is the custom at all military bases, we stood to attention when the National Anthem began before the main feature.

All was going well until three-quarters of the way through The National Anthem, the music stopped.

Now, what would happen if this occurred with 1,000 18-22 year-olds back in the States? I imagine there would be hoots, catcalls, laughter, a few rude comments, and everyone would sit down and yell for the movie to begin. Of course, that is, if they had stood for the National Anthem in the first place.

Here in Iraq , 1,000 soldiers continued to stand at attention, eyes fixed forward. The music started again and the soldiers continued to quietly stand at attention. But again, at the same point, the music stopped. What would you expect 1000 soldiers standing at attention to do??

Frankly, I expected some laughter, and every one would eventually sit down and wait for the movie to start. But No!!... You could have heard a pin drop, while every Soldier continued to stand at attention.

Suddenly, there was a lone voice from the front of the auditorium, then a dozen voices, and soon the room was filled with the voices of a thousand soldiers, finishing where the recording left off:

"And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. Oh, say does that Star Spangled Banner yet wave, o'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave."

It was the most inspiring moment I have had in Iraq and I wanted you to know what kind of Soldiers are serving you. Remember them as they fight for us!
----------------------
Pass this along as a reminder to others to be ever in prayer for all our soldiers serving us here at home and abroad. Many have already paid the ultimate price..

Written by Chaplain Jim Higgins LSA.
Anaconda is at the Ballad Airport in Iraq ,north of Baghdad .

What you are is God's gift to you;
What you do with yourself is your gift to God.

TRICK OR TREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-10-31T15:26:30Z

My sister sent this to me and I thought it quite appropriate to post it today: :P

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you. She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

MAD MAX #4

2009-10-30T01:00:44Z

If this flies I hope George will return to the Road Warrior formula. I believe it was the best
And speaking of MM, when Tina Turner was asked if she would ever reprise her role as Aunty Entity in Thunderdome, she replied "Only if I could kill him this time"

FURY ROAD EDGES CLOSER TO PRODUCTION

If filmmaker George Miller had his way, Australian actors wouldn't have to leave the country to find employment in major studio films. Miller, writer/director of the Mad Max films, is prepping Mad Max 4, eyeing an August 2010 start date in New South Wales for the $100 million film.

It's been nearly 25 years since audiences were last treated to the exploits of Mel Gibson as Mad Max in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome and, if everything clicks into place, audiences won't have to wait that much longer for the fourth adventure of Mad Max. Miller's aiming for a 2011 release of Mad Max: Fury Road.

In an interview with the Australian media. Miller said this new Mad Max is going to reflect the changes in action films since the original 1978 Mad Max and will "nudge the genre." Miller also made it clear he hasn't finalized the cast yet, despite all the rumors on the internet. However, although Miller didn't confirm or deny Gibson's involvement, it's likely the 53 year old original Mad Max won't be returning. Names being thrown around as potential replacements include Bronson RocknRolla's Tom Hardy and Terminator's Salvation/Avatar's Sam Worthington

HUH????????????

2009-10-30T00:11:37Z

Day before yesterday a newscaster on CNN was speaking of the shortage of H1N1 vaccine. Then she launched into who was most at risk...........
First she noted underage children then noted......... as well as pregnant people
????? People???
CNN must know something the rest of us don't..............

Mind you , there is nothing remotely funny about H1N1, but there was when she clarified who was most at risk because about that time I was visualizing men, who were six months pregnant, rushing to their doctor's office for vaccination.

Calling all CHOCOHOLICS..............:P

2009-10-29T19:31:01Z

Chocolate Pots de Crème

Intense single servings of chocolate goodness.

By Amy Wisniewski

TIME/SERVINGS
Total Time: 45 mins, plus chilling time
Active Time: 20 mins
Makes: 6 servings

INGREDIENTS
2 cups heavy cream
5 ounces good-quality bittersweet chocolate, chopped into small pieces
1/2 cup granulated sugar
4 large egg yolks, at room temperature

INSTRUCTIONS

Heat the oven to 300°F and arrange a rack in the middle. Bring about 4 cups water to a simmer over medium heat. Arrange 6 (6-ounce) ramekins 1/2 inch apart in a large baking dish; set aside.
Place cream in a small saucepan over medium heat and bring it just to a simmer. Remove from heat, add chocolate, and stir until completely melted, about 3 minutes; set aside.
Whisk sugar and yolks in a large bowl until thickened and pale in color, about 2 minutes. Slowly whisk in 1/3 of the chocolate mixture, then add remainder while constantly stirring (try not to incorporate any air).
Place a fine mesh strainer over a large measuring cup or a bowl with a spout and pour in the custard base. Remove the strainer and evenly divide the custard base among the ramekins. Tap each ramekin a few times to break any bubbles that appear on the surface.
Place the baking dish in the oven and carefully add enough of the simmering water to reach 1 inch up the sides of the ramekins. Cover the dish with aluminum foil and poke several holes in the foil to allow steam to escape. Bake 25 minutes or until the outer 1 inch of each custard is set (the centers will still be slightly jiggly).
Remove the ramekins to a rack and let cool to room temperature, about 1 hour. Serve immediately or cover and refrigerate up to 4 days. If refrigerated, let the pots de crème come to room temperature for 20 minutes before serving.

Five Love Songs I Never Tire Of Hearing...................

2009-10-29T19:04:14Z

NOTE: they are in no order of importance.....................

I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19rC-Fl-KwM

At Last - Etta James (opener states Ella Fitzgerald but this is Etta singing)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZXvLsltu2A

When I Fell For You - Lenny Welch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBDfju1F76M

Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ve4XD4LveU0

Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6xb_ddP4nM

So, care to share your favorites???

Wile E. Coyote in reality....................................

2009-10-29T02:30:52Z

by Andrew Smith

I needed something to cheer me up. This photo illustrates one danger of building light rail to the far-flung suburbs: unwanted riders.
H/T to Gordon Werner.

sharpes_hussy @ 2009-10-23T11:28:00

2009-10-23T18:45:05Z

Chile Hot Chocolate

A hot and spicy take on creamy, rich hot chocolate.

By Kate Ramos
CHOW Recipe

The amount of cayenne in this recipe may look like a lot, but the cream and chocolate subdue it, making for a kick of spice and an empty cup.

What to buy: For this recipe, use high-end chocolate, such as El Rey 41% milk chocolate

NOTE: If I were making it, I would use SACO Premium Chocolate which is unsweetened cocoa blend of natural and Dutch chocolate. I use it daily for a cafe mocha and it is to die for.

TIME/SERVINGS
Total Time: 10 mins
Active Time: 10 mins
Makes: 2 drinks

INGREDIENTS
1/2 cup whole milk
1/4 cup heavy cream
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
5 ounces good-quality milk chocolate, coarsely chopped

INSTRUCTIONS

Combine milk, cream, and cayenne in a small saucepan over medium heat and cook until simmering, about 4 minutes.
Add chocolate and whisk until completely melted and well incorporated, about 2 minutes. Serve immediately.

Astronomy Picture of the Day Archive

2009-10-22T22:35:01Z

Please do spend some time at this site............awesome stuff here:

http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/archivepix.html

ADOPT A GITMO DETAINEE

2009-10-21T20:36:48Z

Click on link below

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8hndxu5MrI

BUT WAIT, IF YOU CALL 1800 ADOPT NOW YOU WILL RECEIVE TWO PRISONERS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!

"ALERT: Special Swine Flu Update"

2009-10-21T20:28:26Z

http://articles.mercola.com/swine-flu-article/index.htm

sharpes_hussy @ 2009-10-20T15:28:00

2009-10-20T22:30:39Z

UNBELIEVABLE MATH PROBLEM

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it may stump you.

Grab a calculator.

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the Area code...)
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add to this the last 4 digits of your phone number
6. Add to this the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250
8. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer ?

Biopsy report...............:P

2009-10-19T21:08:22Z

Please do not take me to task for posting this JOKE as I do understand there is nothing remotely funny about dementia or HIV, but I felt the need to liven up a very dark day:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "
"We recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

The Ultimate Wedding Dance

2009-10-18T15:16:54Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8-DH7vSJy4

What is your biggest fear?

2009-10-16T20:02:21Z

Can you say SPIDER??????????????????
I know. It ridiculous, but they have creeped me out ever since an incident in seventh grade.
In San Diego, we lived up on a mesa..........tarantualas used to crawl across the sidewalks and fields at school
and I managed to stay away from them,
but one time I opened my desk, those with flip tops, only to find one in my desk
Some kid has put one in there as a joke.
It gave me nightmares for days.
Then when I was in Africa we were out on safari one morning.
We were in an open Range Rover and had stopped to look at some game. t I happen to look up and spread across
a massive web between two trees was a spider which had a body the size of the palm of my hand...........
I told the tracker to move the jeep. All I could think of was that thing dropping down inside our OPEN vehicle
He laughed and said "well they eat bugs"
I told him that I was not interested in their diet
If he did not move the vehicle, I was getting out and walking back to the camp.
He warned me how dangerous that would be and I told him I did not care given the alternative I could envision.

We have poisonous spiders here in Oregon e.g. the Brown Recluse, Black Widows etc.

Last night I walked out my front door and through my courtyard into a HUGE web..............
It grossed me out so much that I must have been a spectacle flailing about with my hair and clothing to make sure
there was nothing crawling on me.........
I just put a bamboo pole by my front door so next time there will be something to beat them back
UGH.
AND no I have never tried to address this phobia. Somebody asked me
did I not want a more friendly relationship? and then droned on about programs to help with
phobias etc.
NO, I don't want to be friends with them.

Is it a cold or H1N1 Flu???????????????

2009-10-16T19:21:16Z

Symptom	Cold	H1N1 Flu
Fever	Fever is rare with a cold.	Fever is usually present with the flu in up to 80% of all flu cases. A temperature of 100°F or higher for 3 to 4 days is associated with the flu.
Coughing	A hacking, productive (mucus- producing) cough is often present with a cold.	A non-productive (non-mucus producing) cough is usually present with the flu (sometimes referred to as dry cough).
Aches	Slight body aches and pains can be part of a cold.	Severe aches and pains are common with the flu.
Stuffy Nose	Stuffy nose is commonly present with a cold and typically resolves spontaneously within a week.	Stuffy nose is not commonly present with the flu.
Chills	Chills are uncommon with a cold.	60% of people who have the flu experience chills.
Tiredness	Tiredness is fairly mild with a cold.	Tiredness is moderate to severe with the flu.
Sneezing	Sneezing is commonly present with a cold.	Sneezing is not common with the flu.
Sudden Symptoms	Cold symptoms tend to develop over a few days.	The flu has a rapid onset within 3-6 hours. The flu hits hard and includes sudden symptoms like high fever, aches and pains.
Headache	A headache is fairly uncommon with a cold.	A headache is very common with the flu, present in 80% of flu cases.
Sore Throat	Sore throat is commonly present with a cold.	Sore throat is not commonly present with the flu.
Chest Discomfort	Chest discomfort is mild to moderate with a cold.	Chest discomfort is often severe with the flu.

The only way to stop the spread of the epidemic is to spread the awareness.

Oregon Culinary Institute today..........

2009-10-15T01:55:42Z

I had lunch today with my doctor and his wife at the Oregon Culinary Instiitute.
It is a four course meal prepared, served etc. by students. The cost is $12 for four courses
Here is today's menu.........my selection features an asterisk:

Starter -

*Smoke Tomato and Bacon Bisque - Creme Fraiche
Corn Fritter - Spicy Aioli Sauce

Salad -

*Fig and Prosciutto Salad - Arugula, Radicchio, Gorgonzola and Roasted Walnuts with Fig Vinaigrette
Wild Mushroom Salad - Frisee, Spinach, Crispy Bacon, Pickled Onions and Croutons with Mustard Vingaigrette
Roasted Apple Salad - Mixed Greens, Grapes, Onion, Bleu Cheese and Roasted Hazelnuts with Sherry Hazelnut
Vinaigrette

Entree -

Marinated Chicken Sandwich - Romaine, Tapenade Dressing and Gruyere Cheese with Grilled Corn Salad
*Grilled Flat Iron Steak - Sauteed Spinach and Sauce Cumberland with Potatoes
Pan Roasted Halibut - Sauteed Baby Carrots and Haricot Vert with Smoked Cipollini and Tomato Vinaigrette

Dessert -

*O.C.I Chocolate Dream Torte
Cheesecake

sharpes_hussy @ 2009-10-13T21:45:00

2009-10-14T04:46:36Z

A friend from OZ sent this to me.............interesting enough to share with you:

WORLDS SHORTEST POLITICAL TEST

So, you think you know where you stand, politically? Think again. The result from this short test may surprise you and give you some food for thought.

You'll be asked just 10 questions, and then it instantly tells you where you stand politically. It shows your position as a red dot on a "political map" so you'll see exactly where you score.

The most interesting thing about the Quiz is that it goes beyond Democrat, Republican, and Independent.

The Quiz has gotten a lot of praise. The Washington Post said it has "gained respect as a valid measure of a person's political leanings." The Fraser Institute said it's "a fast, fun, and accurate assessment of a person's overall political views." Suite University said it is the "most concise and accurate political quiz out there."

Click on the link below...

http://www.theadvocates.org/quizp/index.html

RIDICULOUS CENSORSHIP

2009-10-13T06:19:18Z

I feel the need to vent about something that happened over at ff.net
I am reading Kodiak Bear Country's
It's Always Autumn in the Old Trees of Despair

When I completed Chapter 4, I left the following remark on her site:

Manages to get a break from hanging from the rafters only to be attacked by a wolf...
This just gets worse and worse for Sheppard
And all the time his team is envious of him
*rolls eyes*
save for Teyla...
You are so ** Jaem, er, John...
:P
Seriously, a great story...

The ONLY problem I see in this is they censored line six that was suppose to say:
You are so hard on Jaem, er, John
I gather THEY think that those two words, in this context, are some sort of vulgar expression??
This is just unbelievable................
I had no idea they censored anything on ff.net
If that is the case, why are they not censoring four letter words and some content from stories?
It REALLY annoys me
In fact, it goes far beyond annoying......